The end of the story?

rites of men

Right at this moment, where i stand is night time, i am here thinking about the future, i don’t feel much pain, i just deeply wonder, what will be?

Dear readers, this might be the last update about this girl, and maybe, all others, i don’t feel good vibes comming from this mindset, this relationship, this instance on space and time, not anymore…

The beginning of everything

When i first met this girl, i was feeling hopeless, but somehow, i kept trying to know some woman to have a relationship, i’m not the kind of guy who goes into a fling, i might go if the other person doesn’t leave it clean, but once i know it, i will never return, because i’m not that kind of man (what the fuck am i saying? What flings have i been having? LOL).

The way this girl talked to me, her looks, it felt like she was different than the others girls, then, it came really fast like a thunder, the friendship classification, i instantely reacted wanting to know if she was alone, so to show interest. Things went good until the first blackout, she vanished into thin air for a week, that is justified, wasn’t her fault, but i’m not telling what made she do it.

When she came back, she seemed different, i thought it was out of some interest on some kind of relationship, well, it still was good, just not as magical, but had different perks this time, different interactions, different circumstances. Though, to keep anything was blatantly difficult, we didn’t had time for each other always, and it kept like this, promises were never accomplished, time wasn’t spent together.

So, i took care of the situation with a act of not going so fast, as i was always shooting, that is when, alias, that friendship stuff came again to circulation. Hell was set loose, i took the action (going to a new story here, not told previously) and instead of asking her to be mine, as a safeguard measure, i asked what was her mind on this relationship and on relationship in general.

The answer she gave me was she didn’t had time to this, which is true, because of her hectic schedule (or some fuckers might say she has been having some “fun”). Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter to me anymore, as being in a distance relationship, is already hard to make something, it would be useless to try anything with her as i wouldn’t be able to achieve this probably.

So i gave up on her already, but there stays some remains, i thought i would just say to her we can’t be friends and forget her, but i didn’t do it. I still talks with her, which is probably a huge waste of time in the end, as i don’t gain anything, and don’t do others activities.

Well, why do i do it?

Because of these remains, there are some illusions in my head that tells me, if we ever saw eachother by any chance, i could try to conquer her heart, and maybe have the long waited sucess i long for. Well, that might never happen, and in the end, i might have the biggest waste of time of my life ever. I should probably try to kill this in me, but i don’t care, it’s not a sad “friendship” where i am hurt, because i kind of gave up this distance side with her.

What i’ve been doing in the meantime

Talking with the french girl, and in the lookout for more women, because this gemini heart can’t stay rocked to a person forever when there is no return.

Which leads me to questions!

What is this life? How the hell can it take so long for me to know anyone? Why do i have such a hard time? Am i getting better at this shit?
And the most important ones: Will i ever make it? And if i do, who will be her?

Silhouette

Should i surrender?

Short update on her

You can keep track of the whole story HERE, or read it all HERE 2

I have to say, i will try to do one thing before finishing off with her, and that is good for my own sake, what? Why?

What i am going to do

That is pretty simple, i am going to ask her to be my girlfriend, in the most direct manner as possible, at Skype i hope (didn’t skyped with her yet).

Why?

Well, that is simple too, at least for my view.

Before talking with her, i used to hit women randomly, but never kept conversation to a great level/degree before, because i have low social glue and energy, not even online (actually, even more online!). I don’t think i am good at the 2nd step after hiting a woman (let’s focus on online hiting here guys) with a great opener line.

So then, i kind of evolved, learned some things to talk and others to not, how to talk, what to talk, when to talk, but i am far from perfect, mind you, and personal and voice communication envolve many more variables i belive, and harder to hide, we all must learn to be a good actor, lol.

While i was talking with her i did so many steps, things that i wouldn’t normally do, like sending “hugs and kisses”, calling her cute names, talking about love/relationship, i don’t usually do this shit. Actually, i don’t think i ever did before her. This steady progression made me forget that i never asked a woman to be my GF before, which now, with a clear mind, i see that it is an opportunity to envolve on this, at least.

Though it doesn’t mean i will want to hit woman ever again if it fails, or at least in a short time, whatever short means…

So that is what i got to do, use this chance, to evolve, even if i fail, which i feel, alias, that where the greatest chances are. But i got to keep up, got to survive, in the end of the day, this is what i do, isn’t life about continuity?

What else of good came from her?

Since i started this all with her i followed some pretty good habits, like:
– Exercising
– Eating better, much better (though little)
– Stoped the male forever alone number one sport to play alone (at least for quite some time, not couting)

What else it made me see, which might be good?
– I was getting dangerous fat (i still have fat on my body, but now much less than when i started!)
– I am not handsome, though, i am not a foul beast too, but i am very far from attraction levels, and i can improve some things, but it will take a great deal of time and dedication, to reach near perfection status, i will need the future by my side, but that is dreaming, and couting on it is delusional, i will do what i can right now!
– I am not very good at resisting the games of relationship (good news is entering the game makes you evolve socially)
– I have a very low status quo level right now
– I have very high standards, and very low reciprocation level (maybe i should lower my standards a little, but that will hit the paradox in which, if i don’t have someone really high level, i don’t feel so much inspired to begin any shit, or even, keep up).

So, statistics on my hands, time to work out on it now!

Another warrior might die at the beach

AS ALWAYS, KEEP THE CHAIN OF THIS STORY IN TRACK, HERE

After trying so hard, i think all will go down throughout the sink, but that remains to be seen, who will win, the dark warrior or the light warrior, until now the odds has always been in the side of the dark warrior, and i feel it’s the most probable too, and feels sad.

I will tell write more soon…

Update: i am tired of this shit, when she talks with me i will just tell her i don’t want to be friends with her, and quite it.

Well, i don’t know if i will ever engage to this level again with somebody else, because i don’t think it’s worth, and fuck it, i’m not one of those lucky guys who made it. I don’t wanna redo all this shit, blablabla, not worth it, being cold and distant from this stuff is better, i will put all my efforts to avoid delusional thoughts.

I started to have a painful life really young, at 11 i lost my mother. Since then, i have lonely wandered, and increasing my pains. Though, because i have passed the phase of wanting to suicide (when i was a teen), and have hope to JUST WATCH, the future of humanity, immortality, space colonization, new technologies (which might be all not worth it, or maybe it is, and it is just my cognitive dissonance), i will simply keep the survival, hahaha.

But well, i learned to be a faster recomposer, i’m already on the previous investiment mood, just hanging around this crazy universe that makes no sense, waiting for the thermic death, until everything is gone, just so it might be reanimated again, and hell begins all over again, or not (who knows?).

Over dramatic? Probable yes, but does it matter? Well, i’m not blamming anyone, not cursing anyone, it’s nobody fault that life is like this to so many of us. We can’t make it other way, we have to endure its beatings on us. I don’t curse her, she is not obliged, i don’t expect anything from anyone, of any kind or any gender, life is the way it is.

What will i do? I will wander, maybe move to Mars when i can (which maybe could be a really bad ideia, and i will explain this on a post). Continue to try to improve, etc… such is life man, hard to say why the ways it works is like this, but it is.

Maybe we live in a dark age, which means there has been, or shall be a light one, but it doesn’t matter.

Maybe men should really go to virtual worlds and forget everything about true humans, i know it might feel sad, but life is already sad by itself.

Actual status: This warrior is already dead, commited suicide. Actually started being sexual, fuck! I don’t know if this sexual crap will help, but who knows, got to try this shit, i was supposed to finish everything though, lol, i hope at least, that if it doesn’t work, i don’t find myself clinging to it so muchhhhhhhh, and finish the hell at its begin. Lol though, really, how the hell did i ended up doing this other action?

Update of the update, on her (plunge or die too)

To those of you who want to keep up with the story, click HERE

So… you guys must be wondering, or some, even curious about what happend, right?

Let me tell you, what happend during the week was the following:

The first days of the week, she kept her normal routine on her page, posting pics, etc… Nothing changed, and it hurted me a lot. During the Wednesday, she posted something i didn’t understood, and i wondered, what does she means?

When i hit the Thursday mark, i was feeling more at easy with the things that passed to my mind, and kind of getting used to it, so i was thinking, why not go back to her? When this week end, the way things are, it doesn’t seem she will ever say even a “hi” to me. I don’t have anything else, and i know what life feels without a woman by your side already, and i don’t want to come back there.

I know, this is REALLY not a good cause to going back to someone, but i can assure you that beside it, beyond that, i can’t deny that i really like her, and i want her only, and can’t imagine other person on her place (even tried to get to know a french girl on this period, which i will just let be “it will die, i’m sure”). I know that in life, and that i talk by my experience, you might like someone, but overtime, the feeling just die, and you are ready to like somebody else, like you never liked this person. But on life, you can win over this too, i belive, just in the way others things in life works, you need a continuous effort towards it, to keep in touch with the person, take care of yourself for the sake of your own image and the image the other person has about you, and a bunch of care.

So, what happend on the Friday?

Just finishing thursday, nothing happend on it, not even a new on her page.

Now about Friday, during the whole day i checked my conversations page, and no news of her, not during the morning, not during the afternoon, not on early night. Finally, when i came home, about 9-10 p.m. I decided to check her page, and there was something there that really caught my attetion, and reseted all the hope.

I will tell the basic ideia of what she said, but i don’t wanna quote it here, for obvious reasons, and because i don’t like to expose others (though i might be doing this already).

She basically said she had confused feelings, wasn’t feeling ok, and that she doesn’t wanna lose “someone”. When i saw this i stared at the empty wall in my room, thinking about it for 5-7 minutes, could she be talking about me? How the fuck does a guy that had nothing on this side and order could be so liked? If it was for me, it was even more powerful than a simple “hi, how are you?”. I said to myself during the day, that when i go home, i would talk with her again, so i said to myself after seeing what she said, now i ought to talk with her!

But i’m kind of a procrastinator (as i’m doing it right now), so i said to myself, i will exercise and take a shower before, and then, we talk. Well folks, during the roaming around home, setting things up for my exercise, i recived a call from her, via internet, well, i… my heart raced a little, and now i was fucking nervous, i didn’t answered, waited it die out, FUCK, i wasn’t prepared to deal with it, but i kept acting normal around home and went to the exercise, without my cellphone nearby, of course.

While i exercised, while i showered, all i thought was about it, and wondered, what did i do? Have i fucked up everything already? How do i repair? Is there repair? Every minute seemed like an eternity, but i kept rolling the exercise and shower, and then, finally in front of the screen of my PC, it took me 3 minutes to say a “hey…” for her. And from there on, when she answered me, i kind of made things roll back again (or so i think).

I don’t know if the fact of her calling me, means that the message was for me, or if this message, means she likes me (but i have some signals that happend later, that might mean, reinforce the yes hypothesis). And later, she told me something that might really explain why she is the way she is to a deeper level…

So what is for now? (Plunge or die!)

So before i keep up, let me add a small note, i don’t like what i did, and i don’t recommend anyone doing it, though i did it, i belive the crumpled paper theory, in which once you mark your relationship with someone with bad things, you can never make the paper fully flat once again, but i belive it was kind of a fold in the middle, rather than total paper destruction (and maybe we can survive it to the future, and even more in the future “i’m talking about singularity motherfucka!”, reverse this!)

Now i need to make a Skype videocall with her, she was the first to give the ideia, and to me it seems, if not the greatest, one of the greatest obstacles, but i have to overcome it, and do it, or i might die at the beach, and all the effort and momentum until now, be for nothing.

The reason i feel so uneasy when i think about skype calls, is because my face is kind of asymmetrical, i think i might be a foul beast to her view, once she sees me, and that it will be the end of my quest, well, that is for account the biggest fear, because, there are others, that i kind of ignored now, but they are very real. I’m not so good at talking personally, and i need time to think about topics, of course, the other person can help, but i don’t know how she is when it comes to this (only one way to know, do it!). And that, i will surely have to face too.

Well, what i’m going to do is face my fear, and skype with her, so i discover what it will be, and who knows, i might have a good surprise? (I really hope so!) But no matter what i do, i don’t see things envolving if i don’t pass this phase, it’s a needed one, and the others will be calmer, i can give the final shots and officialize everything once i went through this storm.

The rest of it will be just managing a (probably) more than one year long, distant relationship, and that can be a dauting task, to keep it all alive, etc. So i can make it to the day we finally see each other. But i will tell you one thing, this “take your time to envolve” kind of relationship, has it owns perks, and i’ve be doing some crazy things lately, and for what i think, it’s because of us.

To resume it, i’m not going right now talk to her, because it’s too late in the night, but i will do it as soon as i wake up, and prepare her for the night (hahaha, not on that way…). I’m happy right now, but i should always keep my feet on the ground, near reality, so i don’t fly high, because the fall is high too.

Let my endeaveour be the rise of all warriors in this fight like me!

My advice for this post is: Do what needs to be done!

Now, to finish this post, i would like to thank you for all encouragement you have given me, you don’t know how strong posting here makes me be, i can now resume my journey towards the woman i want by my side! Thank you!

Also, i’m writing a big post about ASI, that one will be made with drafts saved, long review, and stuff. I wanna make something of quality, and talk about other topic too, rather than my own life all the time.

Until next time folks!

Update on the girl i have been talking with

It has been a rollercoaster of fuck ups and fuck downs, i don’t know what she is up to here, and i feel like something is lacking… So i just switch my focus back to money, health, education and things like this, tangible things in where you can achieve sucess, and just keep going.
Whatever…

That was my note, about a week ago, when i was supposed to write about this topic. Now, about a week later, i can make an update of the update.

EDIT: For those of you who want the full story, see it in this POST
read the parts written: The woman i am getting to know and The feelings we feel when we enter a relationship

How things have been?

Things have been kind of great, until i decided to put the relation to the test, after all, what is it worth to invest in something fake? I stopped talking with her for somedays, i will keep it up, to see if she is ever going to send a hello again at least, which might mean two things:
1) She likes me enough to miss me
2) She is just trying to keep me within reach to have the control

Anyway, during the time i was talking with her, i made some really courageous shots, that i never did in my life, i simply thought and said to myself: “Ok, you will never know if you don’t try, and if it works…” and so i did, one thing after another, which might have been a fuck up, maybe great, or maybe neutral (i don’t belive anything is neutral when it comes to this, just ignorable).

How do i feel, and what i expect for the future?

I feel kind of bad, lonely, but i’m still focused (on my goals), as always i try to be. I’m ok though, and will survive…

fc,550x550,white

I really expect somehow we make this work out, and i can find the hapiness and peace i have been looking for on this, but i know life is a hazy mystery, who knows what i’m going to achieve with this, maybe this is the end (i hope not, but if it is, i can’t help).
Well folks, if i can give an advice, it would be, you only learn some things when you try them!

New thoughts

The worst ways to use your money!
Ever felt a rush to spend money? I don’t! But for the poor souls who fall into this trap (including me), there is some advices.

So first the worst ways:
1) Drugs
2) Drinking
3) Partying
4) Games
5) Other useless stuff

Best ways to spend it:
1) Entrepreneurship
2) Investing
3) Saving
4) Education
5) House, household, car (when and necessary only)

The despair of living an empty sex life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zmnj9-PVn2U

It just is!

Patterns of luck and unluck through life (maybe it’s some hidden law of equality)

I can feel that through life there seems to have some days that we just happen to be “lucky”, and others normal, and other ones really “unlucky”. What could be the cause of this, some hidden law of universe/nature? I know about Karma and Dharma, Yin and Yang, positive and negative, high and low, bla bla bla, blo blo blo stuff. I have been one of those that belived something would happen in 2012, i know this stuff too well. But nowadays i am more of a agnostic guy, prove me and i will belive, otherwise my condolenceces, i can’t help ya!

So, the question is and remains, is it all a matter of simply dry cold statistics (which is not bad, by the way) or some universal law of equilibrium?

How we are forgetting the importance of sound on a VR scenario

When we think about the VR future, we usually think of immersive world where all our senses are immersed in a virtual world. But to imagine such thing we kind of focus on the visual scenario, rather than using all other senses. Through gaming we have seen that sound plays an important role in storytelling, though we don’t fully recognize its importance.

Nowadays games use recorded audio rather than generated audio from synthesizers, that leads us to the limitation of some recorded playback, which might sound ultra realistic, but set a lock on our possibilities and imagination. We could be way better now if we focused more on the development of audio, rather than record, but we decided for the easier road. Time will come to pay for this decision, when VR come it will be incomplete, though realistic looking, mark my words.

A quest to regain health

Throughout years and years of extensive research and profound dedication towards a unique goal (not really, lol), i have made many cuts in my diet, but wihout adding anything new, i see some problems that i always had getting better (almost none, now for real) or even vanishing because (almost none, yeah…) of this attitude, but i don’t think i am even near to achieve my maximum potential and reverse all the bad stuff i have to. I am still suffering the outcome of bad decision making, but slowly and surely i am walking towards a brighter future, where i can jump the bridge back to “nottingham” if so i discover that the cake was a lie!

Things i have cut

201100926-yogurt-primary 1328655553-hansens_juice_box_hero COXINHA-DE-FRANGO dea9669e-e446-4486-ae0a-f3225687c889B Farinha-de-mandioca macarrao-instantaneo-miojo shutterstock_111999368

and more, as i can’t remember right now… (one of these is a local food)

Is health a matter of good habits or a constant effort?

Well, when it comes to health i noticed a peculiar pattern, buf first let’s touch the common stream of thought from normalcy range people.

– The usual ideia

We hold within ourselves the distorted notion that health is a one way achieve all solution, well, maybe for some that holds true, but for most people it is not true. When you come to the health realm, if you have experience on it, like some people do, you will percive that while you might be tackling some problems here you might be creating others problems there, this image explains better than words:

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Whoever played this game (Ragnarok Online) knows that when you create a character this diagram will show up and you will have to use your points to increase or decrease attributes, when you move to a side you will shrink the opposite side too, the same applies to health in life. Somethings might be good for X, but they may start to cause Y, which can be liveable or way worse than the original problem, it’s all up to decision.

Well, there is some way to find equilibrium in this madness i belive, but that is a thing i am still working on, and when i find the answer i will sure share with you guys!

Collapse, the normal tendecy of life

Life requires one thing so we can make through it as victorious! Effort, endeavour. Either you put it or life will have the tendecy towards not so good results (disaster). That is what i observed, and you may come to this conclusion too by making the experiment of doing nothing and completely stop acting, if you don’t brush your teeth they will have decay, if you don’t study you don’t get better (as i watched anime and didn’t learn many words), if you don’t work you don’t even have a chance to have financial freedom, if you don’t go after relationships you will never have them.

Well better stop here, this topic of relationships again, here we go…

The woman i am getting to know

I always tried to give up relationships for good, but i always seemed to invest some minimal effort towards it from time to time. To no avail of success, unhappily. Well, in this try and fail, try and fail, i simply discovered one thing that i knew since long before, but never put to the test, a really successfuly approach! But it’s only a opener, nothing more… And for a person like me who have no social glue, i can’t help but think about my inevitable encounter (don’t take me wrong, i might pass!) with the great filter, from the fermi paradoxy on an analogy.

The thing is, i have met someone online, we are talking and things seem to be going ok, i don’t know if i can make it (i wonder so much: Can i make it? Can i do it? What will be? Am i able to?), but time only can tell this tale, if this was the closest i have ever got, or if this is the success case i have been longing for.

The feelings we feel when we enter a relationship

Though i don’t have an official, per say, dating, i am the closest i have ever been, and i am completely clueless about my foggy, hazzy, cloudy future. But i don’t need to have much experience to know about the common feelings associated with a relationship, the waiting for a message, and wondering what the fuck is happening? Stuff like that, negative emotions we feel, all irrational, if the other person do something or not, it is not up to us, we have to trust, not blindly, but we do have to give ourselves a little to this trust party.

I am too much of a rational minded person, suffered too much, before even knowing or passing by things, that now i am hardly impressed by this shit, though i can’t avoid to feel this way, i’m sure i will not lose my mind, is not that i don’t like anyone, it’s just that i armored myself against irrational shit that leads to nothing.

But i do miss a relationship =/, oh what am i saying? Have i ever had a meaningfull relationship before?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsbjEbAB_ZQ

That is it for the time period folks!